Some people's idea of wisdom

A guy I used to work for was the owner of a fish fry. He fed me his own style of wisdom for almost three years when the customers were gone and it was time to clean up. Being raised to respect my elders I kept my mouth shut and listened. In his own words, he was fat, bald and not too pretty from an early age but those things didn't cramp his style one bit. If I followed his ideas I'd be happy and successful all of my living days. In many ways he proclaimed that it was his way or the wrong way, no in betweens. His idea of happiness, right or wrong was described this way:

If you can't comb your hair with a handkerchief it is too long.
Don't waste time on members of the opposite sex that don't idolize you. There are thousands that will.
Never do work yourself that you can pay someone else to do. It's easier being a boss and you can get more done.
When you want to sell something to someone it is better to make them laugh first because then they will pay you more.
Eat what you want when you are young, when you are old you will need extra weight to get over being sick.
Never skimp on quality. Always be the best. If you can't be the best at something, change the rules.
Don't waste effort on things you don't get paid for.
Save money when you are young and spend it when you are old.
Never, never say no when you are offered something free.
Don't borrow money except from a bank, never a person. A person will ask a favor in return when you least expect it. It's a law of nature.
Never call an older person by their first name until you are in your 30's.
Never pass gas around other people. If you do, be quiet about it, look at someone else and make a face.
Don't give money to charity until you have enough for yourself and your family. Charity begins at home.
If you help other people laugh every day you will also laugh and sleep better at night.
Don't hold a grudge.
Don't trust someone else's dog.
Don't trust a relative with your money or your wife.
Make money during the day, count it at night.
Never teach a child a swear word. You'll pay hell for it.
It's better to have a clean mind and dirty hands than vice versa.
It's good to listen to old guys advice but then you have to make your own way in life.
Don't blame your mistakes on anyone and accept the consequences.
Get to work early and leave late.

He was a pretty successful guy. But by and large I went on to find my own wisdom. The thing was, he took the time to tell me those things. Some made me laugh, some made me think, some I just plain don't understand to this day. Kind of like Trigonometry class. It was all part of growing up.